[ if this is the reaction her first question got, the already shame-filled follow-up just turned radioactive. It reminds Cellar of how Saber talks sometimes, except Cellar isn't going to respond the way she would have with him. Instead, ]
(She should drop it to when Cellar does because clearly, for Ptolemais, the whole thing is still an open wound that hurts to touch. Her heart is beating hard and it's guilt that makes her keep going, desperate for explanation and to explain herself.) I didn't keep anything
(... Okay. That doesn't make her feel better but it doesn't make her feel any worse, either. She stares at the message for a while before replying, tries to think about it a little more this time.
Cellar hasn't accused her of anything. It doesn't seem like she's angry, or feeling violated.)
just i guess the way you hurt me and made me feel good at the same time seeing all that blood and [ why does she feel like she's about to set herself on fire ] liking it
i know everything that happened back there was insane there's not a lot we can hold against each other when we weren't in control, but it was still insane
at the same time i just want to understand why i still feel like this or maybe there's nothing to understand and I'm just crazy
I don't think you're crazy. I think you want to own it (Because she's been in this position before herself. Because she still dreams about that one night from her childhood going literally any other way.)
There's nothing to understand from what happened back there cuz we weren't ourselves, we were different But here you're you and I'm me. If it happened again at least you'd know you were choosing it and wanting it. You wouldn't have to question it
back in june we all woke up as different people or more like different versions of ourselves like what our lives would have been like if we'd been here from the start i was saber's adopted daughter, devon and neon were my brothers if you wanna talk about being different... that was definitely it
but also like when we were back to normal the feelings still lingered? a lot of it still felt real
do you think that some things that happened back at the commune might still be real?
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Yeah actually this entire time I've murdering people because some cult leader gave me a knife and told me to. Surprise.
What the fuck do you mean
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nothing
sorry
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(She should drop it to when Cellar does because clearly, for Ptolemais, the whole thing is still an open wound that hurts to touch. Her heart is beating hard and it's guilt that makes her keep going, desperate for explanation and to explain herself.) I didn't keep anything
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[ Well. Here comes the radioactive waste. ]
i think i did keep something
specifically from what we did together
i thought if you had too i'd be able to understand why
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Cellar hasn't accused her of anything. It doesn't seem like she's angry, or feeling violated.)
What do you think you kept?
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i guess the way you hurt me and made me feel good at the same time
seeing all that blood and [ why does she feel like she's about to set herself on fire ] liking it
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All this time I was wondering if you were scared of me
(Is that a crazy leap? They didn't talk about it at all.)
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i know everything that happened back there was insane
there's not a lot we can hold against each other when we weren't in control, but it was still insane
at the same time i just want to understand why i still feel like this
or maybe there's nothing to understand and I'm just crazy
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There's nothing to understand from what happened back there cuz we weren't ourselves, we were different
But here you're you and I'm me. If it happened again at least you'd know you were choosing it and wanting it. You wouldn't have to question it
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Were you here back in June?
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Nah. Got here in August
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or
more like different versions of ourselves
like what our lives would have been like if we'd been here from the start
i was saber's adopted daughter, devon and neon were my brothers
if you wanna talk about being different... that was definitely it
but also like
when we were back to normal the feelings still lingered?
a lot of it still felt real
do you think that some things that happened back at the commune might still be real?